I Am

I am followed by heartbreak, followed by pain.

I am followed by shadows with something to gain.

I am chased down by demons, released from their cage,

I am chased down by you, and all of your rage.

I am haunted by memories, haunted by dreams,

I am haunted by a past that’s not what it seems.

My Cover

When moments of sadness poke through the surface and everyone sees it, they don’t know what to think. “You’re always so happy. What happened?”, “You’re not yourself today. What’s wrong?”

Me…Happy?.. If only you knew my heart, my mind, my fears. If only you knew the truth behind the smile. If only you knew the tears that stain my cheeks at night. If only you knew…

“Never judge a book by the cover”.. there is so much truth behind this statement. My cover shows a woman who is smiling, who likes to have fun and make people laugh. My cover shows a woman who is confident in her own skin. My cover shows a woman who is happy. But if you took the time to see past my cover, and truly read my pages, you would see a woman who is terrified.. a woman who is crying on the inside while she’s smiling to stop the tears.. a woman who is self-conscious and lonely.. a woman who is immeasurably heartbroken.. a woman out of sorts.

Poetically Shattered

I am a broken heart just trying to survive. Each morning, after an internal pep talk, I rise and start my day. A smile on my face, laughter in my voice, and joking with my friends.  Yet still, there’s this sadness in my eyes that cannot be masked by this façade. The sadness can be overwhelming at times, while trying to fight the urge to send that text or make that call. The sadness can bring on moments of desperation and poor judgement. The sadness that is all-consuming….

But each day, struggling with the sadness, I continue to have my internal pep talks. I continue to joke with my friends, and smile and laugh, and pretend that my world isn’t figuratively crashing down around me. Pretend that my life isn’t seemingly in shambles. Pretend that my heart isn’t poetically shattered to a million pieces that are now floating aimlessly in my chest. Pretend that I am okay…

Hello

Hello,

You may not know me,

But most of you should.

You've heard of me

I hope?!

Well, I know everything about you,

Scary, isn't it?

I'm all around you

Everywhere.

There's no where you can go without me following

Closely behind.

I see all, I hear all, I AM all!

I maliciously hurt you. And I enjoy it

Oh yes, I enjoy it!

Seeing you cry give me pleasure

And the strenght to go on.

YOU CAN'T STOP ME!

No one can.

Come a little closer..

Join me in my game of

CRUELTY

...

...

...

Please, don't go. I need you!

Without you I am nothing.

Lonely. Cold. Why do you have to be so

Cruel.

(I'm gossip)

So Am I

When I look you in the eyes, I can see your soul pulling me in. I can feel the vague tugging on my heart, and the gripping of my hands. With all your force you try to pull me to your darkness. The shadows hide your face, your beauty, your love. Your thoughts of me make me feel lowered, useless. Yet, I still allow you to pull me in. I get lost in the darkness of your eyes.
I am starting to dread my defeat. Hoping that eventually I can make it back out.
However, I am now so consumed with the dark that I start to lose grip of the reality I once knew.
I hear you in the distance, your thoughts. I can hear you chuckle silently as you realize you have succeeded.
Why am I not scared? Why am I not fighting harder to escape? I then realize I cannot leave because I truly do not want to, I need this place. I need darkness, a place to hide. I long for your questionable love, your unreliable touch, your dark demonic eyes. I ache to have your heart again. The heart that once loved me, the eyes that once spoke to my soul. But those are gone

And So Am I

Lonely Pillow Fights

As I walk this cold

And lonely world

Not a dream in sight

Clinging to my every thought

Having my own

Alone

Lonely Pillow Fights

In all the world, not a soul

Could fulfill all my desires

Not a heart, Not a word

Could tame this hearts fires

But clinging to my every thought

Having my own

Alone

Lonely Pillow Fights

I met you...

All of my thoughts went haywire

Every word, weird

Every promise to myself

Gone

Do not fall in love again

Do not hurt another

I had my own

Alone

Lonely Pillow Fights

Until there was you

My pillow fights, alone

Lonely Pillow Fights

I no longer want them lonely

Clinging to your thoughts

We have our own

Love filled

One boy, one girl

Thrilling

Pillow Fights

I used to cling to all my thoughts

Having my own

Alone

Lonely Pillow Fights.

No Longer

If there is ever a day I need you most, it is when your eyes show deceitful hatred for the one you call Love. When you back away into the shadows of your own conceit. When life stops just to get a glimpse of your pure beauty and love. Love you hide me, love you dare not share.

In these days I feel the warmth of your eyes and the coldness of your heart. As I reach in to take it, your eyes of hate, snake eyes, burn my heart and I back away. Your mind, full of demanding and harsh thought; you take one step closer. The further you are the more I long to be looking straight into your deceitful eyes, feeling your cold heart.

Still breathless, considerably lifeless, I wait for you to come to me. Step by step I can feel your warmth and your coldness getting closer. I can feel your hatred grasping me by the heart and squeezing. Now, you are next me. The warmth of my heart and the love showing in my eyes frightens you.

Suddenly, I have you, just like I've always dreamed.

I reach out for you; I grab your heart, the heart I so lovingly longed for. It's so cold, frozen. I look you in the eye as a single tear falls down my cheek.

I drop it, causing this now putrid heart to shatter. You drop to the ground, forever lifeless.

I no longer want you.